The Sleep Problem No One Talks About: The Relationship
The Sleep Problem No One Talks About: The Relationship
How Pressure, Control, and Fear Keep Sleep Just Out of Reach
“I’ll go to the gym… if I slept well.”
“I’ll cancel that meeting… because I didn’t.”
“I can’t be my best self today… unless sleep showed up for me perfectly.”
These are the kinds of thoughts I hear almost daily from my patients struggling with insomnia. And if I’m being honest—if I hadn’t spent the last 12 years treating people with insomnia—I’d probably agree. These thoughts feel reasonable.
After all, we do feel better when we sleep well.
But these thoughts reveal something deeper—a relationship with sleep that has quietly become fragile. One that’s conditional. One that’s full of expectation and pressure.
Most people come in wanting to fix sleep quickly—understandably so. They’re looking for the right supplement, the perfect wind-down routine, a new app, a tool, a device. Something concrete to get things back on track.
But more often than not, it’s not the bedtime ritual or pillow that needs changing.
It’s the way we’re relating to sleep that needs healing.
Because when sleep becomes something we obsess over, try to control, or depend on to determine our self-worth or success for the day—that’s when we get stuck.
Why the Dynamic Becomes Unhealthy
Yes—sometimes sleep becomes disrupted. Maybe there’s stress, travel, illness, hormonal changes, shifting routines, or just an accumulation of little life things that throw it off. Often, there is a reason for the disruption, even if it isn’t always immediately obvious. But most of the time, those shifts in sleep are temporary—normal even.
The problem isn’t that sleep occasionally falters. It’s that we panic when it does.
We start treating it like a crisis. We over-monitor. We change our behaviors, our routines, our plans.
We make sleep the center of everything.
And then, as if to fix it, we try to control it—tightly.
We add pressure. We start watching it constantly. We expect it to “perform” the way we think it should.
And that pressure, even when it comes from a place of good intention, tends to push sleep even further away.
Just like in a relationship—when one person feels micromanaged or overly monitored—they pull back. And so does sleep.
Then We Give Sleep All the Power
And when all that effort still doesn’t work, something subtle happens—we shift from trying to control sleep to depending on it completely.
We start adjusting our lives around it, waiting to see how sleep shows up before deciding how we’ll live our day.
“If I sleep well, I’ll go to that workout.”
“If I get enough hours, I’ll keep those plans.”
“If sleep is off again tonight, I won’t be able to function tomorrow.”
Sleep becomes the one calling the shots. And we stop trusting ourselves to carry on when it doesn’t give us exactly what we hoped for.
This is where the relationship becomes fully imbalanced: we pressure sleep when we want it, and we rely on it when it’s gone. The more we cling to it, the more fragile the connection becomes.
And eventually, something even more painful can happen.
We stop just fearing sleep’s absence—and start resenting sleep itself.
We dread nighttime. We feel tense as the evening approaches, already bracing for another battle.
We walk on eggshells around our evening routine, trying to do everything “just right”… or we give up entirely and detach, assuming nothing will work anyway.
We stop trusting sleep—and start fearing it.
And just like in a relationship where anxiety and resentment build, it becomes harder and harder to feel safe, even when things are okay.
What a Healthier Relationship Looks Like
In a healthy relationship—whether with a person or with sleep—we don’t expect perfection. We don’t try to control every detail. We don’t wait for the other party to behave just right before showing up as ourselves.
We lead with steadiness. With trust. With space.
A healthier relationship with sleep is one where we stop chasing it and start respecting it.
Where we allow it to be a little off sometimes—without deciding that the entire system is broken.
Where we trust that it will return—not because we forced it to, but because we’ve created the conditions where it wants to return.
Just like a partner who feels safe and seen, sleep does best when we stop holding it too tightly.
You Can Be the Steady One
The good news is: this doesn’t require sleep to change first. It starts with you.
When you choose to keep your plans, to move through your day, to be kind to yourself even after a rough night—you send a signal to your brain and body that you’re safe.
You’re okay.
You’re not in crisis.
You’re the consistent one in the relationship.
That’s where healing begins.
Not with perfectly engineered nights—but with how you respond to the imperfect ones.
It’s in the morning after a short night when you still take the walk.
It’s in the decision to see friends, not because you feel amazing, but because you care about connection.
It’s in the commitment to keep living—not perfectly, but meaningfully.
That’s how you start leading sleep back to you. Gently. Without force.
Would You Stay in a Relationship Like This?
If your relationship with sleep were a romantic one, would you want to stay in it the way it’s been lately?
Would you want to keep micromanaging it? Chasing it? Giving it the power to dictate how you feel about yourself?
If not, that’s okay. You’re not broken. You’re just stuck in a cycle—and cycles can change.
You can give sleep space again. You can stop demanding and start trusting.
You can live the life you want—even when sleep is temporarily off track.
And the beautiful part? When you do, sleep often finds its way back.
Not because you clung harder. But because you stepped back just enough to let it breathe.
I’m here to help.
If you're tired of feeling stuck with sleep, the
Sleep Well & Thrive intensive can help.
In just 3 sessions, you’ll get the tools, science,
and personalized support to shift your
relationship with sleep—and manage it
confidently for life.