The Often Overlooked Key to Better Sleep: Communication with your Bed Partner
As a behavioral sleep specialist, I’ve seen countless patients striving for that “perfect night’s sleep,” adjusting everything from exercise routines to wind down activities—yet many overlook a crucial element: communicating with their bed partner.
“Why can’t you stay still in bed? You keep kneeing me in the back!”
“Can we turn down the temp? I’m sweating over here!”
“Do you really need the flat sheet? It just ends up tangled at my feet.”
“Your snoring kept me up all night—I’d be in a better mood if I actually slept!”
“The light from your phone is like a spotlight at midnight!”
We’re encouraged to practice effective communication in relationships regularly, but this often doesn’t extend to our sleep needs. Openly discussing sleep preferences can greatly improve sleep quality and strengthen relationships. Whether it's differing circadian phases, room temperature preference, or bedtime routines, communication about sleep is essential.
Why Communication Around Sleep Matters
Sleep may feel personal, but when you share a bed, it becomes a shared experience shaped by each partner's unique preferences. It’s extremely common to have differences, from circadian rhythms (one being a night owl, the other an early riser) to noise levels and light sensitivity. By embracing these differences and addressing them openly, you’re setting the stage for a more restful night and a stronger relationship.
Key Topics to Explore with Your Bed Partner
If you’re looking to improve sleep quality, here are some essential topics to discuss respectfully:
Circadian Phases and Routines: Circadian rhythm, or each person’s internal body clock, is key to regulating sleep-wake patterns. Night owls and early risers alike need sleep schedules that align with their natural rhythms, which may differ. Discuss how you can support each other’s optimal bedtime and wake-up times. For instance, if one partner is a night owl, quieter activities in the evening can help, while the early riser might adjust morning routines to respect a later sleeper’s need for rest.
Room Temperature: Many prefer a cool room, while others may need a bit more warmth. Separate blankets or bedding choices can allow each partner to find their own comfort zone without compromise.
Mattress and Bedding Preferences: Comfort is subjective, and solutions like split mattresses or customizable bedding can meet different support needs.
Alarm Clocks and Light: Agreeing on alarm types and light settings, such as blackout curtains or smart lights, can minimize disruptions for each other.
Pets in the Bedroom: Pets can be a comfort to some but a disruption to others. Openly discuss whether your furry friends belong in the bed or bedroom, or if adjustments can improve everyone’s sleep quality.
Possible Sleep Disorders: If snoring, restlessness, or other sleep disturbances are affecting you both, it may be worth seeking professional guidance. Often, partners are the first to notice signs that may indicate an underlying sleep disorder such as sleep apnea, and they can provide valuable support in diagnosing and treating it.
Separate Bedrooms: For some, sleeping separately is a practical and healthy option, especially if sleep preferences are significantly different or one partner’s sleep issues impact the other. Separate bedrooms, when seen without stigma, can actually support intimacy by allowing both partners to rest well. Far from being a sign of distance, this choice often reflects a couple’s commitment to respecting each other’s needs.
Tips for Navigating the Conversation
Conversations about sleep preferences can feel personal, so approach them with respect:
Choose the Right Time: Have these discussions outside of bedtime, during a calm moment when both partners are receptive.
Use “I” Statements: Focus on your own needs—“I notice I sleep best when the room is cooler”—to maintain a non-judgmental tone.
Focus on Mutual Support: By framing the discussion around meeting each other’s needs, you foster collaboration rather than compromise, creating a sleep environment that respects each partner’s well-being.
Prioritize Respect and Restful Nights
Quality sleep impacts everything from mood to productivity. By discussing your sleep preferences openly, you’re nurturing both your well-being and your relationship. Small adjustments, grounded in mutual respect, lead to better, more restful nights. Embrace these conversations with understanding—they’re an investment in a healthy night’s sleep and a stronger connection with your partner.
Sleep Better, Thrive Brighter
Effective communication with your bedpartner is just one piece of the puzzle. If you’re ready to optimize your sleep and unlock your full potential, the Sleep Well & Thrive Intensive is here for you.
This personalized 3-session intensive is designed for busy professionals like you—offering expert strategies and tools to improve your sleep for good, all in an efficient and results-driven format.